my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
