is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
