Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Randomize
