Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
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