someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
this boner is exhausting
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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