can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
