Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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