im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
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