Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
