Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
