Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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