yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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