this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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