I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
