The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
home. puking in laundry basket.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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