i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
