plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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