does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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