If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
