can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
