Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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