Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
