I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize