The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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