did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My breasts were aching with rage.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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