I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Randomize
