This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
