apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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