I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
two words...techno handjob
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
