I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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