so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
