omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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