There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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