you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
How many fucks given?
0.12846
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
