1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
