I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
