Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Randomize
