I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
sarcasm needs its own font
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
