Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
