everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
