Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
