there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
