i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
