turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
