i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize