Your mouth is God's brothel.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
