Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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