You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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