Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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