I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
