god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
