New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
