You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
