I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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