I am puke
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I need moral support for this bender
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
