I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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