The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Can I color on your dick again?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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