I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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