I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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