I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
